behind me
when Joseph Campbell ran in the qualifying race for the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, he was in the lead for three-quarters of the race. like any excited youngster, his mind shot forward to the Olympic Games and he began to get nervous. he turned his head to look behind himself to see where the other runners were. as track runners know, the smallest mistake is extremely costly. in that moment, his best friend passed him to win the qualifying race and go on to the Olympics. on that day, Joseph Campbell swore that he would never look back again.
i’m putting it all behind me. letting it roll off my back, down to the floor where i will leave it for good. what is done is done. no amount of regret, hindsight, or lamenting will change what has been written. mistakes have been made. people have been hurt. paths have been poorly (or worse- carelessly!) chosen. but i press forward now, ever forward.
confusion abounds. others want pieces of me that i am not willing to give. i could say that i can’t give them what they want (i’ve been known to play the “emotionally unavailable” card), but that isn’t the truth this time. i. just. don’t. want. to. accept that and move on. drama used to have some sway over me, but no longer. there are things i care about, and the rest i am walking away from.
i am sorry that i do not care. is that a strange statement? i honestly feel sorry that feelings are hurt, that expectations are not met, that i am not the man some people want me to be or thought that i was. but really, i don’t care. it’s not my responsibility. it’s not where my heart lies. it has very little to do with me, in the final analysis.
so i leave it all, the flashes of the life i’ve lived.
she broke my heart and made me cry. they pushed me toward something i never wanted. he refused to apologize, and still does. i knew in my heart what was right, yet did the exact opposite. she gave me the best moments of my life, and then walked away with someone else. it didn’t happen the way it should have. the thing in my hands wasn’t truly earned. fear got the best of me. she didn’t look at me with understanding eyes. i ran away. the promise was broken. there is something buried behind a church that i am afraid to retrieve. she broke my heart, and i broke hers.
it is behind me. it builds in weight, crescendos in volume. but it stays there. press forward, ever forward.
i walk the path of Campbell now. i live the myth of Orpheus. everything will be fine, as long as i
don’t
look
back…